Stop labeling. Start leading. Even when work is hard as hell.
The Word “Toxic” Feels Good…
Calling something toxic can feel satisfying. It’s a quick release, but rarely provides anything productive. Let’s be clear (lest the accusations start flying in the comments): sometimes things are truly toxic. Sometimes, yeah—it is. There are workplaces where gaslighting, bullying, racism, harassment, or emotional abuse are real, chronic, and unchecked. That’s toxic. Full stop. If that’s your reality, you deserve support.
Not everything that makes you uncomfortable is toxic. A poorly written email isn’t gaslighting. A boss who doesn’t love your idea isn’t abusive. Awkward feedback doesn’t mean the culture is broken.
The overuse of “toxic” has diluted its meaning—and in the process, cost us something big: our chance to grow and make a difference.
Words Lose Power When We Use Them for Everything
If everything is toxic, nothing is. Words carry power—until we toss them around casually. When something feels off, it’s tempting to slap on a label instead of sitting in discomfort and asking, What’s really happening here?
This labeling often shields us from nuance. It prevents us from seeing whether we’re in a pattern of harm—or just experiencing a hard moment that needs skill, not escape. Patterns matter. Power dynamics matter. But so does perspective.
Discomfort ≠ Danger
There’s a difference between being uncomfortable and being unsafe. We’ve got to distinguish between feeling powerless and being powerless. That distinction matters—because it helps us reclaim agency.
Communication can be uncomfortable. That doesn’t always mean it’s harmful. And what feels aggressive to you might actually feel clear to someone else.
I grew up with a dad who faced conflict head-on and a mom who avoided it. As a result, even polite disagreements can feel like yelling to me—even when no one is raising their voice. That’s not a problem with other people. That’s a place I get to grow.
You Have More Influence Than You Think
Yes—power matters. A middle manager doesn’t have the same clout as the COO. But I’ve seen people shift cultures from the middle or the margins—because they showed up with consistency, courage, and skill.
And here’s a twist: the higher someone is on the org chart, the less likely they are to get honest feedback. Why? Because no one wants to risk their status by challenging the boss. So many leaders—especially the ones who most need feedback—are flying blind.
Your voice matters. Even when it’s hard to use.
The Hard Truth: You Might Not Have the Skill (Yet)
Sometimes the reason you’re stuck isn’t because the system sucks—it’s because you don’t yet know how to shift it. When you shift out of a victim mindset, you can start to think about how to communicate in a way that influences a relationship, a team or an organization. But writing something off us simply broken is often easier than looking inward. Granted it requires vulnerability in admitting, “I don’t know how to speak up,” or “I’ve never practiced giving feedback.”
But communication skills—boundary-setting, courageous conversations, feedback delivery—are learnable. That can feel daunting. But it’s also good news! You’re not broken. You’re just at the beginning of a growth journey!
What to Do Instead: Start Practicing Power
If you actually want to make a change, start here.
- Skill up – pick one hard conversation and practice showing up differently.
- Speak up, even if it’s messy – one clear voice can shift the energy in a room.
- Lead from your seat – you don’t need a title to create culture. In fact, how you respond to uncomfortable situations is a part of what creates the culture.
- Take exquisite care of yourself – honor your values, set boundaries, and don’t gaslight yourself.
- Leave if you need to—but do it from choice, not from collapse.
Influence Starts Small
One of my clients was a junior analyst who hated how people interrupted each other in meetings. She didn’t have authority—but she had presence. She started saying, “Hey, can we make sure everyone finishes their thought?” at the start of meetings. Then she modeled it—slowing down, listening, inviting others in.
Three months later, a senior exec commented on how much more inclusive the meetings felt. One phrase. One voice. Over time, it shifted the whole room.
That being said, not every battle is yours to fight. But even just honoring your own boundaries can make an impact.
At a past job, I loved my clients. But my coworkers constantly gossiped about each other behind their backs. It drained me. I tried casually redirecting conversations, but that didn’t work. Eventually, I said something. I told them it felt unprofessional and asked them to stop. They didn’t love that, and I ate lunch alone for a while.
But I had the integrity to honor my values—even when it was uncomfortable.
Eventually, they stopped gossiping around me. Sometimes one quiet act changes the whole tone of a room.
Don’t Just Survive—Grow.
You weren’t put on this planet to shrink every time something feels off. You’re here to grow. To influence. To lead.
You’re not weak for feeling uncomfortable. You’re not “too sensitive” for wanting better.
You’re brave when you stay curious.
You’re powerful when you focus on what you can do.
So before you call it toxic, pause and ask:
“What’s the opportunity for me to grow or lead here?”
Sometimes the answer will still be: “I need to walk away.”
But sometimes? That question opens a door you didn’t know was there.
